“My Dream Date with John Criscitello” by Jo Smitty

Back in the day, I was a huge“Ren & Stimpi” fan, yet I never met John Kricfalusi.   I  was curious to hear that he’d moved to Seattle, gone gay, made his name more American,  quit practicing law,  and was gluing things to walls, "art " some said,  "just a pest" said others.  I decided to find out for myself and went on a date with Mr. C.

John’s publicist told me that I would be picked up by a Google self-driving car but I must say I was handily impressed at the relative ease with which the Google car dispatched the competing Uber vehicle and how much blood gushed out of the driver’s neck.  “Hopefully, that was a Mexican,” I said.  “I never knew they were all rapists until I heard Donald Trump speak the other day,” John said, walking up in his ultra fashionable, floor length Jag Fag North Face jacket, an incredible co-branding between Jagermeister, North Face, and Bud Lite.  The entire back is covered in pink rhinestones and under the Jager logo, it says “I’ve got a legendary dick and I cocked it up on Cappe Hille.”    JC looked a bit like a more sports ball based Kid Rock as we headed out to the highway, having nothing to lose at all.  “I’m not sad anymore, now that I’ve got all these endorsements.  Some people say art shouldn’t have as many logos on it as NASCAR, but I say they’re just jealous,” John retorted.   “Haters will hate,” I said.  (I don’t know what that means but I saw it on a black guy’s cap, so I figure saying it makes me “chill on the street with grills” or one of those other Keith Urban things. 

John screams “Faggot!” out the window and at first I think he’s spotted a bundle of sticks, but he’s just glad to see his friends, if you know what I mean.    “Ha” as the kids say in those text messages they love so much now, but I had never heard of until I read about them in “Parade” magazine.

I like to think I can drink but we were both pretty wrecked, fairly quickly, from all that Jager.  The Google car knew the way, like an old sleigh in a gay ‘ole Christmas song and after all JC’s initials are “JC,” after all, although the 12 men following him are…no, hold, they are fishers of men too.  “Never mind,” as Kurtdt Cobain so often said, before he blew his head off.  Some folks are glad he did that, as it saved him from making shitty folk records with Michael Stipe and selling steak knives on late nite TV. I learned that Howard Schultz, the Starbucks guy killed Kurt and Courtney Love and replaced her with a robot, cos he was pissed at them for tagging his garage. 

We were headed to the North Face Outlet Mall in Edmonds, “the gayest place in the North West,” the brochure said and that, frankly made me a little nervous. “The Fairy City” it said.  ‘Cos even though I think it’s sort of ok that the Gays are all over Seattle, it made me nervous that they had spread to Edmunds and plus I didn’t want to be forced to “go gay” or marry a dog, you know, right?   I think JC could tell I was a little nervous from the shots and the gay agenda, so he had his super straight, cute young publicist give me a massage. ‘You masturbate, right?” the pale, hairless Aryan boy asked.  I nodded “yes,” spaced out and the next thing I knew, the assistant was sponging me off with a warm towel.  “Happy endings, baby,” he said which I think is from “The Wizard of Oz,” which they told me was really popular with the gays.  Who knew?  It turns out they love Judy Garland too.

“Do you use a lot of black and gray paint because you liked painter John Michel Bisquick and Vincent Gallo’s band GRAY?” I asked.   “Vincent Gallo is a huge dick, he has a huge dick, but he isn’t gay….yet,” replied JC. 

“Is the Tom from Tom of Finland’s the same Tom that makes Tom of Maine’s Deodorant?”  I asked cos I figured he’d know, ‘cos he’s, you know, gay and I bet they all hang out at that giant Gay Clubhouse the Gay Mayor made.   “I don’t know,” said JC but I can ask Dina Martina Navratilova.  

Gay Art was still pretty confusing, but the ¾ bottle of I’d  Jagermeister I’d drank was making it make more sense and their new slogan “We’re all fags when we suck Jager on Cappe Hille” was making more sense to me.

We made our first stop at Amazon headquarters where both Pikachu and Jeff Bezos (they’re fraternal twins, you know?) greated us and gave us each huge green delivery bags packed with all kinds of yummy pot from Amazon Bud To Go, their new weed delivery service.  “I wanted to call it Weed Share, but Leighton Beezer had already used that for his Lazer Disc download service, “ the chip monk like Bezos informed us, packing another praline into his bulging cheeks. 

For a leprechaun, he was really friendly, so  I asked him, “ How does Amazon, a company with razor thin margins, afford to support so much gay art, well, some call it porn, but I call it art.”   “That’s a fine question, son, “ said Bezos.  (He kept calling me “son” despite the fact that I’m 11 years older than him.)  “We give ALL our profits to queer artists, that’s why we’ve never paid a dividend, son, and never will, by God!  Fuck Wall Street!!”

I’d seen the phrase “Tech Money Kills Queer Culture Dead” and wondered what it meant so I asked John.   “It’s an ad for MONY, the Insurance company, it’s some kind of gay life insurance, I think,” he said.

Next stop was Microsoft, world famous maker of soft serve ice cream and sponsor of the PBS show “Koch Bros world of Tomorrow.”  “No one really likes Windows, “ said Microsoft ‘s new CEO Depak Chopra, “so we’re adding doors, floors, roofs, and walls, to create Micro Houses on Cappe Hille, 126 square feet of urban dwelling ultra lifestyle pods that will solve Seattle’s worst problem for ever!”

“What’s that?” asked JC.  “That black people still live here?” I posited.  “That’s a whole’nother ball of blacks, I mean wax,” sputtered Chopra.  “No, the biggest problem facing Seattle today is, not enough condos for millionaires.  When these are built, there won’t be anymore homeless soft serve millionaires camping on my porch anymore.”

I had thought it was just a marketing slogan before, but I was slowly learning how “the real revolution is artists and corporations working together,” as Ray Manzarek said before he tried to license a Doors song to a Pets.com commercial.

“I wish I could tell him I love him,” I thought to myself looking up at Chopra’s looming 7’4” frame.

In a voice over my voice reads these lines “Is attraction and repulsion just two sides of the same Gay coin?  That “Perv” book seemed to think so and that guy was a gay and sometimes what makes you hard (or wet for the ladies) also makes you throw up other times, like that “6 girls, a pig, and still only one cup” video I used to watch over and over again.  And I don’t mean just in a Shit Barf Baby Bird way, I mean more like sometimes a hairy bear jacking off at 8:17 AM in a Google search for  an “Old Bear and Friends” episode you haven’t seen can be a bit much, not that I’m not in favor of Gay Rights but I really don’t want to be forced to marry a dog or end up like those politcians, sucking off grease monkeys in Arby’s bathrooms, but I do get confused cos hipsters use “gay” to mean “lame” or “sad” or just “lousy,” yet I’m told that’s not homo erotic…you know like how Trump got caught with Mexican meat in his mouth ?"

“It’s homo bionic, I think,” JC says and he’s probably right.

I ask JC about “Street Fighting Man Art,” a movement I hear he’s the secret chief of which might explain why he’s wearing the full head dress and war paint. (He could just be a really big Adam and the Ants fan, he’s that age, you know)  “Urban Micro Density with no street people, no minorities, no noise after 8 PM: is it possible?,” asked Mayor Mc Cheese.  JC responds, “Totally!  All we need is way, way more cops!  Especially those hot Tom of Finland ones in chaps.  As to Street Fighting Man Art, I’m so over that,” he sneers  (sounding really GAY I might add), that’s  so last week.  I really think there is no place for art in the street, let alone in any public place.  Art belongs in the museum, so only rich people can see it and it won’t scare children or confuse old people. Plus, in the street, it can get dirty and that lowers its value.   That’s why I am so proud to be in the new EMP GAY, Paul Allen’s salute to Jimi Hendrix’s legendary dick.  He was able to buy Cynthia Plastercaster’s original cast and they’ve made a giant cock shaped museum where all my art will be shown now.” 

“Wow, that’s a big switch for you, isn’t it?”  I stutter.   “Would you address the role of the artist in society, please?” I say, as I barf a steady stream on Jagermeister and soft serve ice cream, it doesn’t mix very well, into the grateful mouth of Seattle’s last living homeless wood carver.  “Bang!”  One of Seattle’s finest shoots him down and we all rest a bit easier as the Google car pulls into Dick’s on Broadway.  We enjoy a Dick’s Deluxe, extra tartar sauce, and John gets a Dick’s Deluxe Dildo for later.  Just then a fat, 50-ish black man comes up, all hopped up on fries and says something to us “about our futuristic Jetson’s space car being fly.”  Figuring he’s about to rob us and or that it’s some kind of gang lingo, the Google car shoots him.  Dead.

“You’ve killed Sir Mix A Lot!” yowls some Cyber Space Steam Punk on Unicycle but we just roll up our windows and continue the interview. Me: Kids!    JC: “I think the role of an artist in society is to create focused lifestyle choices that dovetail with consumer needs and choices in a way that harmonize with a variety of decorating choices.”   Me: “So you’re done with slogans and satire?”  JC:  “When I looked up what satire actually means, I felt really bad, it’s so mean.”   ( A single tear appears in his eye, but I don’t think he’s a gang member and the car doesn’t kill him, so I feel safe for now. And even though he is gay and covered in tattoos, he is white.)

“People thought I was making fun of that jungle bunny slogan “Black lives matter” but I had never heard that before.  I just really thought that “Bellevue Wives Matter” cos they do, right?  They have to look their best ALL THE TIME, some even have to clean and cook a little bit, I don’t know how they do it?! And I’ve heard a few even have to work at jobs.”

Me:  “Wow.  I didn’t know.  I also didn’t know you were so political!” 

JC:  “ I wasn’t but I am now and that’s why I’m working so hard on my new project AMAZON’s CAPPE HILLE MALLE, it will have a Hooter’s, a Fox Sports Bar, that giant gun shop with all the stuffed animals, and lots more places where real Americans can shop safely. 

Thinking it was like the night Larry Kramer kissed me, I reach over to kiss John as our interview is over and stops me, saying “Dude!  Pride is fine and all was last month  but don’t act Gay on Amazon’s Cappe Hille!”

I’ve learned my lesson and I hang my head in shame.

“Don’t feel so bad kid,” JC says.  “Here, have a Soft Serve Micro Cream Shooter Pop.”

He’s right, it does make me feel better, although I do feel some vomit surge into my throat as well.  Seattle is a great American city and it gets better each and every day, every time any one shops in Amazon’s Cappe Hille Malle they will have the best time they’ve ever had in a mall ever and ever and ever,  Amen!